Childless: not our choice
Updated: 1 day ago
With World Childless Week upon us, Salvos Online today shares the story of a Salvation Army Australia employee who has dealt with the realisation that her life would never include children of her own, and her husband’s journey with this as well.
This story contains details which might be confronting for some, especially those facing fertility struggles, so please read with caution.
Jo and Ben Popplestone moved to Australia from the UK in 2014, determined to start a new life and adventure after their journey to become parents came to an end.
Jo has been working for The Salvation Army Australia for 10 years, and is currently the National Doorways Practice Manager. (Doorways provides emergency relief and holistic case management at Salvos community centres around the country.)
Jo and her husband, Ben, are also passionate advocates for childlessness – not by choice – with a focus on raising awareness to promote inclusivity in workplaces and churches by caring for and engaging with each other.
“Childlessness is spoken about more often than it used to be, but probably still not as much as it should be,” Jo shares. “And I think because, both from an employee perspective, but also being someone of faith, this is relevant for The Salvation Army and all churches.”
On Sunday 20 September, Jo and Ben will be presenting a webinar around their experience as a couple and also sharing a framework they’ve developed for people who have gone through infertility and are looking to move forward and find a new identity for themselves.
Our story
This story is based on a video produced by SBS – How to move on when future plans don’t eventuate
Jo and Ben were both devastated when they knew they would not become parents.
When I got the news that I wasn’t going to be a father in the future, that’s when the heavy blow came,” Ben shares.
“My initial feelings were an absolute numbness,” says Jo. “How am I going to get myself up? How am I going to go and face the world?
“Ever since I was a little girl, I had a dream of getting married and having a family.
“I was 23 when we got married. When we started considering having a baby and starting to try, we didn’t expect there to be any issues. After a few months of trying, we both just felt that there was something not right. IVF would be the only way we would be able to fall pregnant. We underwent four cycles of IVF.”
“Every cycle brings future hope and then disappointment,” says Ben.
Jo said that it was a real shock when IVF was unsuccessful, and they knew their journey to become birth parents was finished.
“That was a really hard time,” she shares. “We did have some dark times in our relationship. We were at different stages of our grief, and it was important to give each other some space.”
New adventure
Ben says he remembers Jo saying to him, “If I can’t have a family, I want to have adventure. We had always talked about living outside of the UK and Australia was one of the options that we looked at.
“The first time that we came to Australia, on a one-way ticket and with a minimum number of possessions and two suitcases, I felt the freest I’ve felt in my life.”
Jo shares that, in the UK, they had the identity of being an ‘infertile couple’, but coming to Australia “nobody knew us, so we had the ability to look at how to redefine ourselves”.
“The grief will always be with us,” she adds. “It does become part of you, but you learn to not let that define you.”
“You also do experience sometimes those waves of grief coming when you were reminded of the journey you’ve been through,” shares Ben. “Maybe when you’re connecting with a family and you see the interaction between a father and his son.”
This can also be a ‘trigger point’ for Jo. “When I’m engaging with children … if they’re shy or nervous or they want to just be with their mum, I can sometimes feel that as a real sense of rejection. But equally, it’s very healthy for me to engage with children and to have that love that I have to be able to share with the children.”
“On the whole, Jo and I are really satisfied with our lives that we’ve built. Plan B can be plan best,” Ben emphasises.
WATCH MORE: Jo and Ben share their story. Click here
