Coercive control, Christlike compassion, and the hidden wounds of spiritual abuse
- kirranicolle
- 4 minutes ago
- 3 min read
BY CAPTAIN PENNY COOPER
Not all abuse leaves bruises. Some wounds run deeper - etched into the soul, hidden behind silence and fear. Coercive control is one of those wounds. It’s a pattern of domination - emotional, psychological, financial, and spiritual – used by an abuser to ensure they remain in power over another.
The result is that it slowly strips away a person’s sense of self. Victim/survivors come to believe the messaging, and shape into someone unable to speak or act for themselves. They become completely powerless. For many women and children who come to The Salvation Army’s family violence refuges, coercive control has been the invisible force behind years of pain, confusion, and isolation.
And sometimes, heartbreakingly, that control has been reinforced by spiritual abuse – where faith, instead of offering comfort and hope, was twisted into a weapon to justify suffering.
At The Salvation Army Family Violence Services, we believe that responding to coercive control isn’t just about justice – it’s about compassion. It’s about reflecting the heart of Christ.
What is coercive control?
Sociologist Evan Stark coined the term “coercive control” to describe a pattern of behaviors used to trap someone in a state of dependence and fear. It’s not always loud or violent. It can look like:
Cutting someone off from friends and family
Controlling their money
Monitoring their every move
Forcing or forbidding religious practices and/or using sacred text to justify abuse
Using threats, guilt, or manipulation to keep them silent.
Victims often feel like they’re walking on eggshells, constantly second-guessing themselves, losing their identity. Many of the women and children we support have lived through this for years – questioning their worth, their sanity, and even their faith.
When faith is used to harm
Spiritual abuse is a particularly painful form of coercive control. It happens when religious beliefs or spiritual authority are used to manipulate, silence, or dominate. Survivors may have been told:
“Submission is godly.”
“Suffering is your cross to bear.”
“Leaving your partner is a sin.”
Instead of being a source of strength, faith becomes a cage. As The Salvation Army in New Zealand puts it, “Spiritual authority is given for the care of God’s people, and its misuse is a betrayal of the Spirit of Christ.”
When spiritual abuse is present, the trauma isn’t just emotional – it’s theological. Survivors may feel abandoned by God, ashamed of their choices, or terrified of divine punishment. Children raised in these environments may learn to associate faith with fear, silence, and control.
Christlike compassion in action
At The Salvation Army, we see our work in family violence as a living expression of the Gospel. Jesus didn’t shame the woman at the well – He listened. He didn’t condemn the woman caught in adultery – He protected. He didn’t ignore the bleeding woman – He called her “daughter”.
That same spirit lives in our refuges. We offer more than shelter, we offer safety, dignity, and healing. Our teams include specialist workers, chaplains, and trauma-informed practitioners who understand how coercive control and spiritual abuse intertwine. They help survivors recognise how faith may have been weaponised and support them in navigating triggers that re-traumatise.
Recovery is a journey. We walk alongside survivors as they rebuild their lives, reclaim their voices and, when they’re ready, reimagine their relationship with faith.
Healing faith outcomes
The impact of coercive control and spiritual abuse can linger long after the abuse ends. Some survivors reject religion entirely, associating it with pain. Others hold onto it, but with fear instead of freedom.
Our role isn’t to tell people what to believe. It’s to create space for healing.
We’ve seen women rediscover a God who weeps with them, not one who condemns. We’ve seen children learn that prayer isn’t punishment, it’s peace. We’ve seen survivors find strength in the Psalms, courage in the Gospels, and hope in the truth that they are beloved – not because of what they’ve endured, but because of who they are.
A call to the church
If the church is to be a refuge, it must be a safe one.
That means naming coercive control. Calling out gender micro-aggressions. Zero tolerance for spiritual abuse. Listening to survivors. It means preaching a Gospel that liberates rather than one that binds. And it means recognizing that responding to family violence isn’t a side mission, it’s central to who we are.
Through training, preaching, and faith-based responses, it means working to ensure that theology is never used to harm. We are committed to equipping leaders to recognise abuse and confidently respond with compassion and appropriate supports.
Because when we stand with the oppressed, we stand with Christ. When we restore dignity, we reflect His love. And when we say to a survivor, “You are not alone”, we echo the heart of the Gospel itself.
Captain Penny Cooper is a National Family Violence Specialist and Mission and Ministry Support Coordinator, Family Violence and Modern Slavery Stream
