Cut it out will ya, Jesus!

As a younger man, I played a lot of sport. This included Saturday cricket for about 20 years and volleyball to State League level. I’ve also played competition: indoor cricket, basketball, table tennis, mixed netball, racquetball and indoor soccer.

Now, I enjoy watching sport, particularly test cricket and AFL football. I also love watching unusual sports on TV and seeing things like competition-level chasey, cornhole throwing, extreme ironing (Google it) and – my favourite – keep the balloon off the ground (yes, really, it’s a competitive sport played on an obstacle course between university students).

In the 1990s, in the Christian Church, there was a huge fad based on four letters – WWJD? – which stood for ‘What would Jesus do?’. It originated from the book, In His Steps, by Charles Sheldon – written in 1896 – in which fictional characters explored the notion of asking themselves this question whenever they had to make an important decision.

I can’t help but wonder: if Jesus were here now, what sport would Jesus play? WWJP?

Golf – There are many jokes about this actually happening. Jesus putts from eight metres away; the ball is missing the hole by half a metre; a bird flies by and its wing brushes the ball, sending it closer to the hole; at just the right time, a worm pops up out of the ground and the ball deflects 2cm into the hole. The other players say, “Aw, cut it out will ya, Jesus!”

Cricket – Jesus is batting, and the team needs four runs to win off the last ball. He strikes it cleanly: a textbook cover drive. The ball rolls out towards the boundary and stops just a half-metre short of the boundary rope. It’s not a big ground and the batsmen are just starting their third run when the fielder bends down to pick up the ball – only to see the ball suddenly roll to the boundary! The opposition team cries out, “Aw, cut it out will ya, Jesus!”

Tennis – It’s been a long rally as the players send shot after shot back to their opponent from the baseline. It’s a slugfest. Who will triumph? Thirty shots into the exhausting rally, Jesus sends a sizzling backhand towards the sideline that clearly lands a good 20cm outside the court. The opponent pumps his fist in triumph and is amazed – as is the crowd – when Jesus challenges the call. The umpire calls for the Hawk-Eye technology to show a close-up of the ball landing, and it shows the ball landing inside the line by a few centimetres. The opponent calls out, “Aw, cut it out will ya, Jesus!”

Water polo – It’s a tied game and the clock is ticking down in the final quarter. If Jesus’ team can score a goal, they win. One of his teammates has the ball and Jesus cries out, “I’m open! I’m open!” Instinctively, he throws the ball to Jesus. As he does so, he sees that Jesus has four opposition players bearing down on him! How is he open? Jesus grabs the ball in one hand, rises out of the water, runs across the top of the pool, leaping over opposition players as he goes, and throws the ball into the goal. Jesus’ team wins and the opposition yells, “Aw, cut it out will ya, Jesus!”

Basketball – Jesus’ team is eight points down with three seconds on the clock. He’s passed the ball but is standing in the middle of the court. He throws the ball towards the goal ring, and, wonderfully it goes through for a three-pointer. As the ball drops through the net, it suddenly loops back up and drops through the net again! And then it does it again – the ball has passed through the hoop three times without hitting the ground or being touched by an opposition player! The umpires confer and award nine points to Jesus’ team – they win! The opposition calls out, “Aw, cut it out will ya, Jesus!”

Major Mal Davies is the Assistant Divisional Commander for the Victoria Division