Father’s Day – Learning to let them rise

Matt is proud of his three daughters and the relationship he has with them.

BY AUX-LIEUTENANT MATT CAIRNS*

In March this year, I had the absolute blessing of walking my first-born daughter down the aisle – I then got to turn around and do the ceremony! What a privilege.

In the days leading up to the ceremony, I spent plenty of time reflecting on my time as her father – the time she would giggle as she sat in my hand, her whole being so small and perfectly formed. The times as a toddler she would collect flowers for her mum and me. The times as a kid she would snuggle with me on the couch to watch some TV. The times as a teenager she would ignore me but then interact just enough to know we were okay. Then, as she moved into adulthood, our relationship changing again – grown-up conversations, laughter and tears. My heart is bursting just writing these words.

Matt and his daughter, Caitlin, on her wedding day. Image: Supplied

I now have three adult daughters (and yes, the jokes about my grey hair are valid), and I’ve been reflecting on what it has meant to raise, alongside my wife Kristen, three kids into adulthood. I sometimes find myself in conversations with other Christian parents about how one of their children are no longer faith and pondering ‘how they got it wrong’ and I don’t think that’s a valid reflection. Perhaps we do get things wrong as parents – I’m sure we do – but as a child enters adulthood, they get to choose faith for themselves, and that choice is valid and not a fault of ours as parents.

My girls’ faith decisions are their own. Sure, they are shaped by us as their parents and the community around them, but ultimately their own. In thinking this through, I explored Jesus’ interactions with children and how he approached instructing them. There are a few examples, but instructions about kids are nearly always directed at adults. Except for the case of Jairus’ daughter which we read about in Mark 5: 37-43.

Capacity and strength

Jairus, a local Synagogue leader, comes to Jesus to seek healing for his very unwell daughter. Sadly, on their way to her she dies, yet Jesus continues to the family home to see her. In Mark 5: 41, Jesus takes the 12-year-old girl’s hand and says directly to her, “Talitha koum” – Aramaic for “Little girl, I say to you, arise” – and to everyone’s astonishment she does – she raises to new life.

Matt and his wife, Kristen (Rockdale Corps Leadership Team – Strategic Planning) with their three girls. Image: Supplied

What is fascinating to me is that the command is tied to healing/resurrection but with an emphasis on her reaction – the miracle restores her capacity to stand and walk under her own strength, not just her pulse. That’s a striking contrast to a controlling, do-it-for-them kind of care that we as parents so often want to do for our kids. If that had been me, I would have done everything in the world to raise my daughter up – but here in this story the arising is hers to do, even though Jesus is the one who makes it possible in a miraculous sense.

Sometimes, caring and nurturing our kids means calling them into their own strength rather than acting on their behalf. It is not simply about moral or religious instruction; it is also about teaching them to rise into adulthood. It is interesting that in the story the girl is 12, right on the cusp of adulthood in first-century Jewish life. Was that an intentional lesson for us parents?

We need to teach our children well, but at some point we also need to let them rise into adulthood, to find their own way, and be there for them, whatever that path takes. It can be a hard lesson for us to learn, but I believe it is an important one.

*Auxiliary-Lieutenant Matt Cairns is a Student Support and Higher Education Lecturer for The Salvation Army Eva Burrows College