Was Jesus a people-pleaser?

This is the unwavering beauty of the Easter story: Jesus came to Earth, despite the pain and suffering he knew he would face, to lay down his life for his friends, writes Kirralee Nicolle.

BY KIRRALEE NICOLLE

Based on cultural narratives, Jesus can be a pretty confusing person to figure out. According to what others have said of him over the centuries, Jesus can appear as anything from harsh and domineering to placid and easy-going. So, what was he really like?

I think one of the most countercultural aspects of Jesus today is his approach to power. He was a man who was considered a criminal in the eyes of the state, and yet when asked by the Pharisees in Matthew 22 whether it was appropriate to pay taxes to an oppressive ruler, he gave them an almost annoyingly straightforward response with no hint of anarchist leanings: “... Give back to Caesar what is Caesar’s, and to God what is God’s".

When officials of the Roman Empire went on to kill him in a cruel and merciless way, he prayed to the Father for them to be forgiven.

People-pleasing

‘People-pleasing’ is a concept getting a lot of airtime currently. I remember almost a decade ago when the phrase first began emerging in therapy appointments, and some in my circle soon diagnosed themselves with this affliction.

People-pleasing is a serious concern, not least because it points to a severe sense of low self-worth within the individual who is pleasing others at all costs. Underlying a need to “fawn” or lay down one’s own needs to receive approval is often a deep sense of self-loathing, social anxiety, or an unmet need for connection to caregivers. The fawning person or the people-pleaser will often go above and beyond for someone they feel might finally validate them and their existence. It’s a horrible feeling.

Shari Franke, daughter of Ruby Franke, a disgraced Utah YouTuber now convicted on four counts of aggravated child abuse, recently released her memoir The House of My Mother: A Daughter’s Quest for Freedom. In it, she details learning about her habit of fawning and how it led to not only tolerating her mother’s horrific treatment of her and her five siblings but also engaging in abusive and controlling relationships with others.

“That urge to fawn, to sacrifice my wellbeing on the altar of other’s comfort, still lurks in the shadows of my psyche,” she writes at the close of the book. “But every time I speak up instead of staying silent, every time I honor my own needs instead of burying them, every time I allow someone else to sit with their discomfort instead of rushing to smooth things over – I’m severing another link in that chain of generational trauma, that toxic relay race passing the baton of pain from one generation to the next.”

Shari’s realisation has led to greater resilience, a greater capacity for forgiveness and connection with others. When someone is truly a people-pleaser, this is the outcome of such insights. Through this, communities are built on healthy relationships and interdependence.

Questionable diagnoses

But there’s another side to the conversation about people-pleasing. Comedian Dan Donohue pointed this out bluntly in an Instagram reel addressing diagnoses that seem to miss the mark.

“If you’ve ever known someone who starts going to therapy and their conclusions don’t really match up with what you’ve noticed, you’re even excited when they start going, you’re like, ‘Oh, good, my incredibly selfish aunt is going to therapy. Maybe this will teach her to consider others more’. But then you start talking to her, and she goes, ‘Yeah, therapy has taught me I’m a little bit too much of a people pleaser’. And you have to sit there like, oh, that’s what it taught you? Very interesting conclusion from a person who has never pleased anyone.”

He acknowledges this is a touchy subject because some might assume from his tone that he doesn’t like therapy.

“I like therapy,” he says. “I believe in therapy, but I think just about everybody has had a friend who has an epiphany from therapy, and you’re just sitting there thinking ‘what is going on in that room?’ And I empathise, because I understand it’s hard for people to be open and honest with someone where in our regular lives, we’re taught to never do that. And I’m not exempt from this. I’m sure I mischaracterise myself, but I wish there was a way to rectify that. I wish once a year your ex was allowed to talk to your therapist, to go, ‘Oh, let’s talk about how good they were at showing up for me’.”

Dan’s might be a tongue-in-cheek take, but what it points out is a phenomenon that has now been pointed out by other content creators, who discuss the increasing acceptance of individualism and the gradual erosion of community through self-absorption.

Phrases such as ‘people-pleasing’, ‘put your own oxygen mask on first’ and ‘prioritise self-care’ firstly assume a level of privilege that makes it possible to prioritise one’s own needs, and then, when used wrongly, can feed the systematic oppression of groups who are marginalised or disadvantaged.

Not to mention, many societies in the world would balk at such self-focus, as collectivist societies, including many of the world’s most ancient cultures, function through models of societal interdependence and self-sacrifice. Like all cultural phenomena, this is not always practised in a healthy way. But as many argue, it is colonial thinking to assume it is always wrong.

Collectivist approach

Content creator Christabel Mintah Galloway writes about such issues of individual focus, and in one post about ‘putting your own mask on first’, writes about the dangers of this phrase.

“I need all of us to be really honest that most times when people are talking about masks on first, they’re not talking about airplane emergencies; it’s been coopted to tell people why we can’t help them,” she writes.

Christabel goes on to say that sometimes, prioritising the needs of the collective makes for the best survival strategy.

“Capitalism conditions us to think only of ourselves first,” she continues. “Collectivist societies understand triage-based survival, helping those most in need first. In community-based models, we don’t just say ‘me first’, we assess and respond as a unit.”

The Way of Jesus

I think there’s a healthy path forward. We can learn to recognise patterns of unhealthy behaviour where we seek approval from others at all costs but also live out of an outpouring of love, compassion and empathy. Hard experiences in our lives, rather than drawing us inwards, can inform us and grow our hearts to understand the challenges others face, many in much harder circumstances. This ought not to diminish our appreciation for our own struggles but instead help us to flourish as others-centred people who know they are deeply loved and, therefore, can freely love one another.

We should seek to uphold the suffering, embrace resilience to face hard realities and work for justice from a conviction about just Who embodies it perfectly.

This is the unwavering beauty of the Easter story: Jesus came to Earth, despite the pain and suffering he knew he would face, to lay down his life for his friends. What greater model of selflessness is there that crosses cultural barriers and ingrained brokenness and lifts us up to a place of hope?

In this, Jesus didn’t seek to please. In fact, he got a whole government offside. But it was for the sake of the individuals, the communities, the suffering and marginalised whom he loved so deeply.

Philippians 2:3-4 is an unpopular verse as it speaks of this kind of selflessness, but in a society so cold to the needs of others that it has become murderous, genocidal, slanderous and narcissistic, reading it is like learning how to breathe with the whole of our lungs again.

It reads, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility, value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others”.

As we unwrap chocolate eggs and look to the Cross, let us ponder how we, too, can set our lives on a path of wholeness and selfless love.