Building the village: Gender, parenting and raising kids who ‘get it’

When it comes to raising the next generation, conversations about respect, consent, equitable and healthy relationships, and challenging the rigid gender norms that underpin violence against women are more important than ever. Image: Getty

BY FAMILY VIOLENCE EXPERTS KATE FYLAN, HANNA SALTIS, SONIA LE FEVRE AND BETHANY ADAMS

The primary prevention of violence against women focuses on stopping violence against women from occurring in the first place by addressing its underlying drivers.

Global evidence consistently demonstrates that levels of men’s violence against women are significantly and consistently higher in societies, communities and relationships where there is more rigid gender-stereotyping, and where dominant forms of masculinities are rigidly adhered to.

When it comes to raising the next generation, conversations about respect, consent, equitable and healthy relationships, and challenging the rigid gender norms that underpin violence against women are more important than ever.

This ‘Ask the Expert’ article explores how parents, educators and the community can foster empathy, promote gender equality, and redefine masculinity to create safer, more respectful environments in families, schools, workplaces and society as a whole.

Interview with Hanna Saltis:

Q: I’m a parent and I’m worried I might be accidentally reinforcing gender stereotypes at home. How can I do better? 

A: You are not alone! From the toys children play with to the language we use every day, we are surrounded by gender stereotypes. We know kids develop an understanding of gendered expectations and norms very early on, around the age of three or four, so what they hear and see at home matters a lot.

Try to focus on your child’s interests, not their gender. If your daughter wants to play soccer or football, cheer her on! If your son wants to wear something sparkly, tell him how great he looks. Give the same types of compliments to kids of all genders –compliment everyone (not just girls) on their appearance, praise boys and girls on their athletic abilities or interests, thank both girls and boys for helping with chores, etc. It might feel awkward at first, but those little swaps make a big difference in how kids see themselves.

Remember, no one gets it perfect! If you say something and realise later it wasn’t helpful, go back and correct yourself. Tell your kid, “Hey, what I said earlier wasn’t right, you can play soccer if you want to”. That models what it looks like to make mistakes, learn and grow, which is also a powerful lesson.

Q: My partner and I naturally fall into quite traditional roles – I cook and do laundry and he does the garden. It’s just what is easy. Does that make us bad role models for our kids?

A: No! What matters most is the why. Are you doing those jobs because that is what is expected of you or because it’s a strength or you enjoy them? Having open conversations about how you divide up the housework, and letting your kids see that, is a great way to show that roles can be flexible.

If you like cooking and he likes mowing the lawn, that’s totally fine! You could try swapping now and then or participating in the activity together. It keeps things equal and teaches kids it’s just work, not ‘men’s’ or ‘women’s’ work.

Q: I’ve heard on a few parenting podcasts about the importance of teaching my kids about consent and personal boundaries, but I’m scared. They feel too young to learn about those things and I want to preserve their innocence as best I can. How do I even start?

A: Great question, and it’s one that comes up all the time! When we talk about consent with young children, it’s not about sex. It’s about body autonomy, personal boundaries and protective behaviours. The focus is on teaching them that they get to make choices about their own bodies and respect others’ choices too.

There are a few simple things parents can do:

·       Use real body words. Normalise the vocabulary of their own body – use the correct body part names such as penis or vulva.

·       Help them tune into their feelings. Ask, ‘How do you know when you feel scared or stressed? Where do you feel it in your body?’. Kids know what is happening in their bodies and this activity helps them to recognise early warning signs if someone makes them uncomfortable. Explain to them that if someone does something to you or you feel these feelings, you can come and tell me. It can also be helpful to identify some safe people for when you’re not there. Remind them it can’t be a pet or a toy, but it can be another family member or friend, a teacher, an older sibling, or a neighbour.

·       Respect their ‘no’. If your child doesn’t want to hug grandma, that’s ok. You can say, ‘Would you like to wave or fist bump instead?’. It’s a small act that teaches boundaries in a safe, loving way.

Consent does not negate parental guidance. Healthy relationships education is about equipping children with the skills to stay safe, speak up and understand consent in a healthy, age-appropriate way.

Interview with Kate Fylan:

Q: It feels impossible to protect my kids from toxic stuff online – influencers, porn sexist memes. How do I even start that conversation without dying of awkwardness?

A: You’ve got to get uncomfortable to be comfortable. It’s awkward but avoiding it doesn’t make it go away. Kids are exposed earlier than we think, and if we don’t explain what it is, they’ll learn from it.

Consider how your reaction may help or hinder the conversation. Start by checking in with yourself first. Take a breath, regulate and decide what tone you want to set. I find coming in hot makes them shut down but if you come in curious, “Hey, I saw something online today and wondered what you think about it?”, they’re much more likely to engage.

We have to talk about porn! Not only does it pose risk for non-consensual sex and strangulation, but it also distorts how young people think about their bodies, sex and consent. It’s important to explain that porn is not real and it’s acted. It’s like Jurassic Park. That’s not a real dinosaur; it’s been made to look like that. Porn is the same, it’s dramatised to sell.

With influencers, I try and find ones that are impacting positive views of self, girls and being a boy! These are often harder to find as the more harmful influencers get more airtime. We have to show boys what we want them to be by giving them access to influencers/other men and boys that share safe and positive content and behaviours.

Q: I want to raise my son to be kind and respectful of women, but I’m already hearing concerning things amongst his peers and from some of the adults at footy too. How do I challenge that without embarrassing him?

A: This is a common one, and I get it! You want to step in, but you also don’t want to make them feel singled out. The truth is, you can’t control everything he hears, but you can shape how he processes it.

Start by noticing what comes up and choosing your moment. If something happens in the moment and you need to say something, keep it simple, “Hey, that’s not OK.” Have a deeper conversation later, when it’s just the two of you. That’s when you can say, “It really hurt my heart when you said that” or “How do you think that made someone feel?”

It’s about calling them in, not calling them out. Bringing them on a journey without shaming them. Most boys don’t want to hurt you. They just need you to help them see it. If you’re noticing that culture showing up in their sphere of influence, keep connecting. I look for windows into their world, opportunities to text them, check in, ask about their friendships and understand what they’re seeing. You can’t control it all, but you can stay close.

And remember, it’s not just the big things. Even small everyday stuff, like who drives the car or who cooks dinner, shapes how kids see women. Talk about those patterns, laugh about them, call them out gently as a family. Equality doesn’t have to be a lecture; it can be a conversation over dinner, or a joke in the car.

Interview with Sonia Le Fevre:

Q: My partner and I have just fallen pregnant with our first child. They say parenting doesn’t come with a manual, I wish it did. There’s so much information out there I don’t even know where to begin … help!

A: Congratulations! Firstly, you’re doing great just by thinking about this stuff. Parenting doesn’t come with a manual, you basically learn on the job, but one of the best tools you can have is self-awareness. Think about what you loved or hated about how you were raised, not to blame your folks, but to understand why you do what you do. This might help you think about the kind of parent you want to be.

It could also be helpful to enrol in a parenting class. Can we flip the script on parenting classes already? Parenting classes are about proactive parenting not deficits or failure. We go to gym classes, we research which car to buy, we read reviews for a toaster… but we wing it with raising humans. A parenting class can be a great space to reflect on the type of parent you want to be and unpack “how do we want to do this?” together. Remember, parenting isn’t about perfection but reflection and self-awareness is a great start.

Q: I’ve got two teenage boys who don’t engage with me for more than 5 seconds. How am I supposed to talk to them about gender equality, healthy relationships and respect?

A: I can relate to that! I look for opportunities as they pop up. So, instead of serious conversations, I drop in little comments as they arise. One thing I like to do is talk to the television. It will be minimal, but it might be “Oh, I am getting that feeling in my waters about that guy” or “he looks a bit dodgy”, I try to teach through what I model, not what I preach. Keep it light and conversational. My goal isn’t to lecture but spark thinking.

Interview with Bethany Adams:

Q: My son is 14 and just started going to parties. How do I ensure he and his friends are being safe and respectful without being ‘that mum’?

A: My eldest is 17 and has also started going to parties. I try and be direct with my kids, but I also use humour, movies or even Instagram reels to get messages across. For example, when my kids are going to a party, I’ll say, ‘Don’t add to the population, do not subtract from the population, and don’t get in anybody’s car, even if it looks cool, and look out for your friends.’ They’ll all roll their eyes and go, ‘Yeah Mum’ , but they know what I mean. I promise you, they do hear you, even when they roll their eyes.

When my kids were younger, I did call the parents of the party, but now they are getting older, I tell my son before he leaves, “I trust you. I know you will make good choices, and you will look out for those around you”. I also talk openly about consent. I let my son and his friends know before they leave, “Drunk does not = consent, tipsy does not = consent, persuaded or convinced does not = consent. If you see someone looking uncomfortable, it’s ok to step in”.

Kids are bombarded with mixed messages every day, and you’re the quiet, steady counterbalance.

I say all the time: Aim for 40 per cent. If you can model good boundaries, call out the dodgy stuff when you see it, and show them kindness, you’re doing beautifully. Parenting isn’t perfection. It’s persistence.

Q: After living through family violence myself, I want to teach my kids about healthy relationships. I want to break the cycle for my family, but I don’t know what I don’t know. It’s hard to know where to begin.

A: It’s an ongoing recovery and healing journey. It’s not a bus stop destination, it’s lifelong but there is support out there to equip you with the tools and resources you might need.

As someone who has also lived through family violence, I have the task to rewrite some past learnings for my children, and that’s really difficult. But I do it by having those conversations and modelling it. Model healthy relationships, point them out, surround them with healthy role models where possible.

I think when we have boundaries ourselves, strong boundaries, and we can explain to our children why they’re important, that’s powerful. I’ll say, ‘I wish someone had taught me that when I was younger, so I’m teaching it to you now.’

I find the small opportunities day-to-day. When I see something in a movie or in advertising. I’ll say to my daughters, ‘That girl is really trying to change herself to earn the affections of that boy, that’s not what love looks like’. I tell them, ‘Don’t ever dim your light for anybody. If someone doesn’t like you as you are, that’s your answer, that’s not the right person for you. But don’t ever start carving off pieces of your gorgeous selves to fit someone else’s story”.

I teach my kids that you can be in a relationship with somebody and still be your own person. You can still be independent, have your own dreams, bank accounts, property. You can build alongside each other, that’s ok. It doesn’t mean you don’t love that person, it just means you’re there because you want to be, not because you have to be.

I am not a sit-down-and-have-a-formal-talk-person so having general conversations regularly as they come up is probably the best way and that’s what I would recommend.

By staying attuned to ourselves and our children and strengthening our toolkits, we can share the new information we learn and use it to break generational cycles of violence amongst families and communities.

We don’t succeed at parenting; we learn parenting as we go and never stop. As I say, aim for 40 per cent, make it achievable and forgive yourself and try again tomorrow if you don’t get it quite right.

Hanna Saltis – They/Them

Hanna has been a Research Officer with the Curtin University Relationships and Sexuality Education (RSE) Project since 2020. They are passionate about all things RSE but have a particular interest in the diversity and inclusion space.

Kate Fylan – She/Her

Kate is an experienced Salvation Army Domestic Family Violence and Children’s Services practitioner with 24 years’ experience working in the sector in Ireland and Australia, and is the State Manager for the Family Violence Team in NSW/ACT. Kate has unique experience of working with both adults and children as victim-survivors of gender-based violence and working with men who choose to perpetrate this violence.

Sonia Le Fevre – She/Her

Sonia has been working with The Salvation Army's Karinya Support Services in Ballarat, Victoria for a decade. As the Team Leader of Supported Housing for Families, Sonia leads a number of diverse programs and activities for women and children who are experiencing family violence and/or homelessness.

Bethany Adams – She/Her

Bethany Adams is a Specialist Family Violence Practice Lead for The Salvation Army’s Bayside Peninsula Area in Victoria. She has been member of the Victim-Survivor Advisory Council for three years as a lived experience advisor to government on family violence reform and works with Safe and Equal, Police and judicial systems to create more trauma-informed approaches to process and practice.